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|  | 27 September 2000 |

The Onion presents:

As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

- Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
- Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
- If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
- Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
- Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
- To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
- Contrary what today's kids think, it is not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth.
- Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
- Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
- Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
- If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
- If you are a denture wearer, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
- An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are such a lazy fuck that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
- Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.

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|  | 27 September 2000 | Ad Info | Copyright

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