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Volume 36 Issue 22 | America's Finest News Source | 14 June 2000

News
Area Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants
Sun-Dried Sparrow Carcass Washed Away With Hose
Charles Durning Hocks Up Four-Pound Chunk Of Phlegm
Horoscopes
By Lloyd Schumner Sr. Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer Inside »
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|  | News In Brief Efforts Of World's 16 Billion Chickens Still Not Adding Up To Much OMAHA, NE--According to a U.S. Poultry Council report released Monday, the collective efforts of the world's 16 billion chickens have yet to yield any appreciable results. "For thousands of years, chickens worldwide have put a tremendous amount of energy into their various activities, flapping, squawking, and pecking with a great deal of vigor," the report read. "But it remains unclear what has been accomplished as a result of these efforts." HBO Presentation Fails To Deliver Promised 'Brief Nudity' JACKSON, MS--As far as local resident Nate Childress can tell, the "brief nudity" promised in the HBO original movie Total Disclosure was not delivered at any point during the 93-minute film aired Monday. "Were they talking about when you could see that one girl's bare back?" Childress asked. "Or maybe they meant the part where you could almost sort of see that blonde girl's ass through the panties. If that's what they meant, that's bullshit." Childress said the brief nudity may have occurred during the 10 seconds when he raced to the kitchen for a beer, but noted that he went for the beer during a scene set in a police station. "I highly doubt that any girls took their clothes off during the 10 seconds of police interrogating I missed," he said. Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance HUTCHINSON, KS--Milt Brundage, a gym teacher at Lakeview Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 48-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders. Insurance Salesman Celebrates 15th Year Of Quoting Fletch VALLEJO, CA--At a gala luncheon featuring Bloody Marys, steak sandwiches, and steak sandwiches, area insurance salesman Marty Cutler celebrated his 15th year of quoting lines from the 1985 Chevy Chase film Fletch. "All I can say is, 'Using the whole fist, doc?'" Cutler told the many guests who have endured his quips over the years. The 31-year-old Cutler, who arrived an hour late for the luncheon, explaining that "a manure-spreader jack-knifed on the Santa Ana," has quoted from Fletch an estimated 241,500 times since first dropping lines from the film into conversation in June 1985. Upon learning that the event's $100-a-portion Beluga caviar had run out, Cutler, who also goes by the name "Dr. Rosenrosen," said, "Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat and the head of Alfredo Garcia." Kodak, Nabisco Apologize For Drunken One-Night Merger ROCHESTER, NY--Kodak CEO George Fisher apologized to shareholders Monday for a drunken one-night merger with Nabisco. "We kind of lost track of how much we'd drank, one thing led to another, and, before you know it, we're signing contracts," a contrite Fisher said of the $182 billion deal. "I am deeply sorry for the mistake and hope that the 36,000 Kodak employees who were laid off in the merger will find it in their hearts to come back." Nabisco CEO James Kilts said his company is "still very much in love" with current partner R.J. Reynolds and expressed hope that "we can work through this and remain RJR-Nabisco for many years to come." |  | Top Story
Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together WASHINGTON, DC--Citing years of distracting, time-consuming obligations that have caused many important matters to go unattended, President Clinton called for a National Week Off Monday for the purpose of getting the nation's shit together. Full Text » In The News God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy 'No,' Says God IOC Clears Pros To Wrestle In Summer Olympics Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With Fifth Of Bourbon Greatly Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point Murder Suspect To Be Tried By Media Overworked Justice System Grateful For Help Editorial Infographic Military-Recruiting Woes What Do You Think? Teen Smoking On The Rise A Message From The Publisher Huzzah For The Death Of A Child Point-Counterpoint: Pets Smoove B Turn The Lights Down Low The Onion AutoCorner Presents: Caring For Your Car
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