The Onion® is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Contents of this website © Copyright 2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.

Issues Online
21 June | 14 June | 7 June | 31 May | News Archive
Books | Radio News | Store/Subscriptions | National Distribution

The Onion AV Club
Features
Interview with the animators of Aardman Animations
Interview with the creator of The Powerpuff Girls
Films that time forgot: Norman... Is That You? (1976)
Reviews
Cinema | Music
Video | Words
Columns
Savage Love
Justify Your Existence
Cultural Idiocy Quiz
Comics
Red Meat
Pathetic Geek Stories

Sponsors
Bid on sports tickets at MillerGetTheGoods.com !
iFUSE Popculprit Like regular entertainment Only, not really
Win cool prizes from The Onion and seeuthere.com
(rest by changing) atomicLiving.com (substance and style)
See Hef's "LARGE STAFF" at the Mansion. Playboy.com/comedy .
uBid.com! where you set the price
Check out College Students on *LIVE* Webcams- UNCENSORED
Humor, from the creators of Teen Slut Warehouse .
New shows from Hollywood's best writers at www.icebox.com .
Liquidation prices everyday at Andy's!
Phorty minutes of Phish -- a Getmusic video interview .
Don't Get Left in the Dark... Movies.com
Christ Found! In Potato !

Volume 36 Issue 23 | America's Finest News Source | 21 June 2000

News
Art Object Purchased At Office Depot
Optimist Half Full Of Shit
Wife Leaves Over Husband's Dead Body
Sales Of 'Bedazzle' Embroidery Kit Continue 20-Year Slide
Horoscopes
By Lloyd Schumner Sr. Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer Inside »
Link Button
|  | News In Brief Acne Medication May Cause Dizziness, Nausea, Loss Of Hearing, Insomnia, Blood Clotting, Difficulty Breathing RAMAPO, NJ--Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for the product casually noted Monday. "Some Dermalon users may experience such side effects as dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing, memory loss, bone rot, paranoid schizophrenia, and brain tumors," a friendly voice-over noted as a group of happy, clear-skinned teens frolicked on a beach. "Wake up to a clearer you with Dermalon." Franklin Laboratories is also the manufacturer of Follicin, a hair-restoration formula linked to explosive diarrhea and hyperobesity. Hair Dyed Back To Original Color TULSA, OK--After three months as a redhead, area resident Natalie Rice dyed her hair back to its original brown Monday. "I decided I wanted to go natural," Rice said, "so I got a bottle of Clairol dark auburn and just went to town." Rice said it will probably take another two or three dye jobs to completely restore her natural brown coloration over the artificial red. 83rd Birthday Party Stretches Definition Of Party JACKSON, MI--An 83rd birthday party for Hilldale Nursing Home resident Abraham Porter stretched the definition of the word "party" Monday. "Yes, there was food and music and gifts and people gathered for the purpose of celebrating, so, technically, it was a party," said Lydia Marks, the ailing Porter's great-grand-niece. "But it felt like something else altogether." The highlight of the affair, Marks said, was when Porter recognized his only son. Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup HOUSTON--Anticipating an imminent break-up with girlfriend Mindy Huhn, Derek Haskell, 24, deliberately scheduled a final romantic evening Sunday for the purpose of intercourse. "I was planning to dump her this week, probably Wednesday, so I figured I should squeeze in one last go at it before then," Haskell said. "I especially wanted to because I don't have anyone lined up next, so who knows when I'll have sex again?" Haskell described the encounter as "pretty good." Self-Described Avid Reader Halfway Through Dragonriders Of Pern For Sixth Time ALLENTOWN, PA--"Serious bookworm" Angela Goodwin is reportedly halfway through her sixth reading of Anne McCaffrey's fantasy series The Dragonriders Of Pern. "I've read every book in Dragonriders at least three times," Goodwin said Monday. "I guess you could say it's just part of my love affair with the written word." Earlier this year, the "die-hard reader" also read 10 of Piers Anthony's Xanth novels in 15 days. Roommate Never Seems To Leave Apartment CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA--Paul Shermer noted Monday that Ed Twilley, his roommate of eight months, appears to spend every moment of his life in the apartment shared by the two Charlottesville men. "Every time I come home, there he is on the couch," Shermer said. "I know he works for the state doing something, but he never seems to be at work when I'm home." Shermer said he is beginning to get creeped out. |  | Top Story
Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef' BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI--The Burundi Beef Council, a non-profit organization that offers beef recipes, beef-safety information, and tips on low-fat cooking and eating, made a desperate plea Monday for any beef whatsoever. Full Text » In The News Republicans Back Universal Lawn-Care Bill Local Celebrity Cracks Under Stress Of Local Fame Area Applebee's A Hotbed Of Machiavellian Political Maneuvering Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina Editorial Infographic Survivor Mania What Do You Think? Wall Street And The Mob A Message From The Publisher My Summer Reading List Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke? Jim Anchower The Greatest Movie Ever Told The Onion Presents: Camping Tips
STATshot
A look at the numbers that shape your world.

© Copyright 2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. | Masthead | Contact Information | Privacy Policy