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Volume 36 Issue 20 | America's Finest News Source | 31 May 2000

Notice
The Onion will return on July 19, 2000.
News
You Can Tell Area Bank Used To Be A Pizza Hut
Sierra Leone Burns Down
Area Teen Able To Distinguish Between Gap, Old Navy T-Shirts
Pope Breaks Cinder Block With Head
Horoscopes
By Lloyd Schumner Sr. Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer Inside »
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|  | News In Brief Clinton Goes On Fun Plane Ride LISBON, PORTUGAL--President Clinton deplaned from Air Force One excited and thrilled Monday following a fun plane ride from Washington to Lisbon for an eight-day, three-nation European trip. "I went on the airplane," Clinton shouted to Portuguese president Jorge Sampaio. "We went way, way up high, and I saw lots of clouds." Clinton, who has refused to remove the golden-wings pin given to him by Air Force One pilot Edwin Jacobs, capped his remarks with several seconds of airplane noises. Area Man Coughs To Let Others Know He's In Bathroom ATLANTA--Seeking to break the tension and inform others that he was in the bathroom, Barnes & Noble men's-room- stall occupant Larry Ardell coughed Monday. "I was alone in the bathroom, taking a dump, when I could hear one or two other guys walk in," Ardell recalled. "I wasn't sure they knew I was there, and I started getting a little uptight about it, so I decided to cough." Ardell said he had considered rattling the toilet-paper dispenser as a means of announcing his presence, but decided against it out of concern that it would call attention to his wiping. MIT Physicists Split The Smithereen CAMBRIDGE, MA--A team of MIT physicists announced Monday that they have successfully split the smithereen, heretofore considered the smallest possible unit of matter. "For decades, conventional scientific wisdom held that the most to which you could blow something was smithereens," Dr. Jonathan Eng said. "It now appears that it is possible, under certain special laboratory conditions, to blow something to sub-smithereens." Eng said he believes the discovery will revolutionize humanity's potential for harnessing smithereenetic energy. Conversation With Boss Puts Man An Hour Behind CHICAGO--A conversation with his boss set Latham, Towson & Green marketing executive Alex Henkel back an hour Monday. "Jesus, I'm gonna be here until midnight," Henkel, 31, said after the time-consuming chat. "I've got tons of work to do today, and the last thing I needed was to have some bullshit pow-wow with [supervisor] Bill [Svoboda]." Svoboda called for the unproductive, 60-minute meeting to "go over some general strategies and just make sure we're on the same page about things." Toys 'R' Us Sign Triggers Pavlovian Shrieking Response In Child FREDERICK, MD--A Pavlovian response mechanism was triggered in Jamie Bolz Monday, when the 5-year-old reflexively shrieked at the top of his lungs upon seeing a large, colorful Toys 'R' Us sign during a family car trip. "Ahhhhhhhh! Toys 'R' Us! Toys 'R' Us!" Bolz involuntarily shouted despite countless lectures from his mother about proper car-trip conduct. Behavioral psychologists have likened Bolz's response to the well-documented Burger King-salivation reflex. Woman Apologizes For What Appears To Be Clean House PAWTUCKET, RI--For no apparent reason, Pawtucket resident Estelle Scheide, 53, apologized to houseguests Tuesday for the "terribly messy" condition of her spotless house. "I'm so sorry about this," Scheide told a group of visiting relatives. "It's not normally this bad, I swear." "What was she talking about?" son-in-law Bruce Unger asked. "I didn't see a mess anywhere. Did she mean the vacuum cleaner that was out? Or maybe that bag of to-be-recycled newspapers by the back door. Weird." |  | Top Story
Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids WASHINGTON, DC--In a 4 a.m. speech at the group's annual convention Sunday, North American Raccoon Federation president Bristletail called upon homeowners to loosen the lids of their garbage cans, providing the ring-tailed mammals with greater access to discarded food scraps during nocturnal scavenging. Full Text » In The News Apartment-Wide Porn Sweep Precedes Date's Arrival High-School Senior Amazed By Coolness Of University Of Wisconsin-Whitewater Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy Editorial Infographic U.S.-China Trade Pact What Do You Think? Federal Security Breaches A Message From The Publisher Advice For Gentle-Men Genocide Is Such A Harsh Word Praise The Lord... And Pass The Chocolate!
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