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Volume 36 Issue 34 | America's Finest News Source | 27 September 2000 |
News
All-Beef Patty 70 Percent Beef
Yngwie Malmsteen Officially Changes Middle Name To 'Fucking'
Man In Suit Breaks Into Brief, Feminine Run
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|  | News In Brief IOC: Many Viewers May Be Using Olympics-Enhancing Drugs SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA--The International Olympic Committee announced Monday that it will launch a full-scale investigation in the wake of allegations of Olympics-enhancing drug use by viewers. "We have reason to suspect that as many as 18 million U.S. viewers are artificially increasing their ability to sit through the Sydney Games with illegal substances, particularly marijuana," IOC president Juan Antonio Samaranch said. "These drugs enable viewers to watch NBC Olympic coverage beyond the limits of normal human endurance." Interest-boosting doping, Samaranch said, is particularly rampant among viewers of archery, men's handball, and women's sailing. 'Farm Aid Aid' Concert To Benefit Struggling Farm Aid Concerts INDIANAPOLIS--A special Farm Aid Aid concert will be held Oct. 3 in Indianapolis to raise money for America's struggling Farm Aid concerts, event organizer Willie Nelson announced Monday. "Fifteen years ago, our nation's Farm Aid concerts were thriving, with millions of Americans flocking to see such artists as John Mellencamp, Neil Young, and myself," Nelson said. "But today, with ticket sales dwindling and subsidies nonexistent, countless hard-working Farm Aid promoters have been forced to foreclose on bookings in amphitheaters one-tenth the size of the stadiums they once filled." Grandma Pulls Pudding Roll-Ups From Recesses Of Cupboard SHIVELY, KY--Searching for a treat for her 12-year-old grandchild, Edna Leigh retrieved a dusty, faded box of circa-1988 Betty Crocker-brand Pudding Roll-Ups from the darkest recesses of her kitchen cupboard Monday. "Here you go," said Leigh, handing grandson Danny Meyers the long-discontinued snack item. "You like pudding, right?" To wash down the fossilized Roll-Ups, Leigh offered Meyers some Crystal Pepsi from the garage. Cool Ashtray Found HAMTRAMCK, MI--An afternoon trip to the Joseph Campau Street St. Vincent's thrift shop netted a cool ashtray Tuesday. "Dude, it totally looks like it would have been on Dean Martin's coffee table," discoverer Marc Reiss told friend Scott Ratner. "It's green ceramic and triangular, and it's huge." The ashtray's most perfect detail, Reiss said, which more than justifies its $2 purchase price, is a raised center featuring a full 12 cigarette notches. First Draft Of Paper Inadvertently Becomes Final Draft EUGENE, OR--The first draft of an English 140 paper by University of Oregon sophomore Mindy Blain ultimately became the final draft, Blain reported Monday. "I was gonna keep working on it and add a bunch of stuff about how the guy who wrote [The Great Gatsby] was affected by a lot of the stuff going on around him," she said. "But then I was like, fuck it." Blain said she spent the time that would have been devoted to a revision watching Friends in her dorm's TV lounge. Bathroom Smells Like Shit GALENA PARK, TX--The second-floor men's room of a Sysco Vending office building smells like shit, disgusted employee Art McCune reported Tuesday. "Jesus Christ, it smells like actual human feces in here," McCune said. "I'm serious--it's like someone walked in, dropped his pants and underwear, straddled a bowl, excreted nearly a pound of fecal matter out of his anus, and then walked right out again." Building custodian Byron Withers apologized for the foul odor, assuring Sysco staffers that by the following morning, the bathroom would be back to smelling like bleach. |  | Top Story
Gore Wondering If Latest Doonesbury Is About Him WASHINGTON, DC--With his lead in presidential polls narrowing to just four points over Republican challenger George W. Bush, an already anxious Al Gore wondered aloud Monday whether the latest Doonesbury is about him. Full Text » In The News Onion Special Report More U.S. Children Being Diagnosed With Youthful Tendency Disorder Man Ashamed Of Own Joy Upon Receiving New Mop Head Graphic Designer's Judgment Clouded By Desire To Use New Photoshop Plug-In Editorial Infographic The New Energy Crisis What Do You Think? A Year Without Movies Or TV? A Message From The Publisher Screw Charity! I Just Love The New Channel 29 News At Noon Set The Onion presents: Dental-Hygiene Tips
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