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Volume 36 Issue 46 | America's Finest News Source | 20 December 2000 |
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What Do You Think? The $252,000,000 Man
Infographic Madonna's Wedding
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|  | News In Brief Bush Calls For End To 'Era Of Political Argument' AUSTIN, TX-- In a televised speech to the nation Monday, president-elect George W. Bush called for "an end to the era of political argument." "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "after a difficult period of partisan debate, the time has come for unanimity. We have seen how destructive it is when political rivals disagree, and we as a nation can no longer afford such ideological division." Bush said he is committed to making his presidency "The Age Of Assent." Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident SAN FRANCISCO-- Randall Konerko, a 39-year-old database administrator looking for a new job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a letter of recommendation from his former employer makes no reference to the Dec. 11 balls-copying incident that led to his dismissal. "Whew, that's a relief," said Konerko after an interview with Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Alland would mention that whole thing, but, mercifully, he didn't." Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in testicular Xeroxing, even if it's 2 a.m. and the office seems empty. Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas DAYTON, OH-- Determined to make his son's Christmas dreams come true despite financial woes, David McManus spent three hours in his garage Monday constructing a PlayStation 2 from scrap lumber and transistor-radio components. "I can't wait to see the look on Andy's face when he unwraps this," said McManus, lovingly painting a "2" onto the front of the handmade video-game console. "I didn't get to sand the controllers as smoothly as I'd have liked, but still." McManus added that he hopes he can make a "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2" CD in time for Andy's birthday in March. Communists Now Least Threatening Group In U.S. WASHINGTON, DC-- According to a report released Tuesday by the Pentagon, Communists rank last on a list of 238 threats to national security. "Communists may now safely be ignored," Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. "The Red Menace has been surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists, cybercriminals, Hollywood producers, and angry drivers." Other groups deemed more threatening than Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped zoo animals (#202), and Belgians (#237). Man Reading Pynchon On Bus Takes Pains To Make Cover Visible PHILADELPHIA-- According to riders on the eastbound C bus, John Bolen, 23, made a conscious effort Monday to make the cover of Thomas Pynchon's The Crying Of Lot 49 visible to all on board. "Instead of resting the book on his lap or on the seat in front of him, he was holding it up in this really awkward, uncomfortable-looking way," rider Caryn Little said. "Then, every so often, he'd glance around to see if anyone was noticing what he was reading." Bolen vehemently denied the Pynchon-flaunting charges, insisting that "the light was bad" on the bus. Real-Life Grinch Celebrates 'Hanukkah' FREDONIA, KS-- A real-life Grinch was found Monday in Fredonia, where, unlike his fellow residents, Josh Baum refuses to celebrate Christmas. "I'm looking forward to a nice Hanukkah," the Yuletide-shunning misanthrope said. "We'll be lighting the same menorah that's been in my family for generations." Baum would not comment on the possibility that spontaneous Christmas caroling would cause his small heart to grow three sizes. |  | Top Story
National Machete Association Speaks Out Against Machete-Control Legislation WASHINGTON, DC-- Vowing to "vigilantly defend the Second Amendment and preserve our most basic civil liberties," the National Machete Association denounced congressional efforts to enact machete-control legislation Monday. Full Text » In The News Ping-Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing 'Boo-Ya! How You Like Me Now?' Says Ping-Pong Playing Man Religious Cousin Ruins Family's Christmas Critics Hail Porn Director's Debut As 'Shamelessly Masturbatory Male-Empowerment Fantasy' Editorial A Message From The Publisher The Final Frontier I Can't Believe You Blew My Perfect Feedback Rating Darling, Will You Spend The Next Six To Ten Years With Me? Jim Anchower Jim's Got A Big Wish List This Year The Onion KidsPage presents Super-Fun Nativity Playset For Christmas
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