Mobile/PDA | Books | Radio News | Onion Merchandise & Subscriptions | National Distribution | Ad Info | Copyright

Issues Online
24 January | 17 January | Browse The Onion's News Archive
The Onion AV Club
Features
Interview with drummer: Joey Waronker
Interview with drummer: Brian Blade
Films that time forgot: Carrott Gets Rowdie! (1979)
Reviews
Cinema | Music
Video | Words
Columns
Savage Love
Justify Your Existence
Comics
Red Meat
Pathetic Geek Stories
Sponsors
Naked Scottish Weathergirls
Vote Now! BANDEMONIUM the ultimate band search
Get a MasterCard with NO Credit Checks!
Save $100 Off Your Utilities with Shopper's Discount!
Submit Your Poem You Could Win $1000!
Volume 37 Issue 02 | America's Finest News Source | 24 January 2001 |
Features
What Do You Think? The California Blackouts
Infographic Clinton's Last Acts
This Week's Horoscopes
News
Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest
Ape Footage Causes Brief Three-And-A-Half- Minute Interruption In Channel-Surfing
Britain Cleaned, Restored, Placed In British Museum
News Archives
Computers/Technology
Consumer News
Health
International
Music
National
News for Kids
Religion
Society
Sports
Editorial Archives
Editorial
Ask A...
Point-Counterpoint
Jim Anchower
Jackie Harvey
Herbert Kornfeld
Smoove B
Jean Teasdale
T. Herman Zweibel
Link Button
|  | News In Brief Man Knows Unsettling Amount About Nationwide Age-Of-Consent Laws HAGERSTOWN, MD-- During a conversation at work last Friday, drill-press operator Pete Cromartie revealed a disturbing familiarity with various states' age-of-consent laws. "I mentioned to Pete that I'd be visiting family in Pennsylvania over the weekend, and he says, 'You oughta pick up some chicks there, 'cause they only gotta be 16,'" coworker Geoff Richardson said. "Then he says, 'South Carolina's the best: 15.' I mean, that's seriously creepy." Richardson said he later heard Cromartie talk about a bill pending in the Hawaii legislature that would lower the state's age of consent to 13. White House Guidance Counselor Recommends Clinton Consider Career In Hotel Management WASHINGTON, DC-- At his mandatory post-presidency appointment with White House guidance counselor Larry Schecht, Bill Clinton was encouraged to consider a career in hotel management Monday. "Your Myers Briggs score suggests you would do well in a variety of job fields," Schecht told Clinton. "You could be anything from an architect to a food scientist, but your strong people skills indicate you would make an ideal hotel manager." To learn more about the field, Schecht recommended that Clinton set up informational interviews at some Washington-area hotels, as well as complete the exercises in the book What Color Is Your Parachute? Bunch Of People Apparently Saw That Brendan Fraser Mummy Movie SACRAMENTO, CA-- A lot of people apparently saw that Brendan Fraser mummy movie, area resident Bill Whited said to himself Monday while watching a trailer for The Mummy Returns. "Wow, I guess a bunch of people out there saw that thing," Whited said of 1999's The Mummy. "I vaguely remember it being in theaters for a few weeks, but I guess it was big. What's next, The Whole Nine Yards II?" A sequel to 1999's The Whole Nine Yards is currently in pre-production at Paramount. Explosion Used To Signify Big Savings WORCESTER, MA-- In an ad for Kearns Home & Garden Center in Monday's Worcester Telegram & Gazette, a violent explosion was used as a visual metaphor for low prices on thousands of items throughout the store. "Don't miss our once-a-year 'Explosion Of Savings' event," read the ad, which equated the destructive detonation of trinitrotoluene (TNT) with great savings on everything from Black & Decker wet-dry vacs to tulip bulbs. "Start the new year with a 'bang' of a bargain!" Toilet-Paper Edge Given Classy Appearance With Triangular Fold MISSOULA, MT-- A roll of Charmin bathroom tissue in Room 316 of a Missoula Motel 6 was imbued with a regal air Monday when the maid service folded the edge of the first sheet into an eye-pleasing triangle. "I felt like a pampered duchess," motel guest Rachel Spencer said. "That's what I call 'living the high life.'" Spencer also gushed about the Motel 6 matchbook propped up in the center of a sparkling-clean ashtray. |  | Top Story
'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch WASHINGTON, DC-- Remember SDI, deregulation, and tax cuts? The new administration does. That's right, '80s retro fever is sweeping the executive branch, with President Bush and his nostalgia-crazed colleagues going wild for the people and policies of that "totally tubular" decade. Full Text » In The News Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker Area Man Likes To Think Of Own Past As Sordid Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her Editorial Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage I Bet I Wouldn't Be Laughing So Hard If It Was Me In That Fire The Onion Presents Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips
STATshot
A look at the numbers that shape your world.
© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. | Masthead | Contact Information | Privacy Policy
The Onion® is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.